I was born with the unfortunate disposition of not looking like Peter Andre. Something which I have tried to correct for many years, and something which is only just beginning to change (through, among other things, many appointments at Botox Manchester). Peter is my life, you see. I have made it my duty to do Peter proud for as long as I live. My name is Malcolm, by the way.

I loved ‘Mysterious Girl’. That’s what the shrine in my bedroom is mainly about: it’s an ode to Peter and the best song of all time. It’s my special, sacred thing and nobody else is allowed to go near it. To make the ode stand out from all the other Mysterious Girl odes in existence I play Mysterious Girl constantly, directly out of the cardboard cut-outs mouth. That way whenever I come home Peter is there and he is singing to me. I stand before him and I say “I love Mysterious Girl, how did you know?”

The muscles were the hardest thing. They took a long time. Getting the exact same look as Peter is not easy, you know. It takes absurd discipline and months of labour: but I have a secret weapon which helps me through this. I have a fake Katie ‘Jordan’ Price.

I realized at the start of my fascination that Peter gets all his power from Jordan. This is his life-force. So I knew then that I needed my own fake Jordan. That is why I employ a woman called Janine to be on the end of a phone twenty-four hours per-day. I can call Jordan any time and she will whisper in my ear, aiding my quest to become the re-imagining of Peter Andre. The Peter Andre that Peter Andre should have been–